breaking the cycle

since the beginning of the year, i've felt conflicted:

i want to "lose weight."

i want to "get healthy."

basically, this is code for wanting to be skinny.

but, i know that my body doesn't do "skinny."

i run 2 miles most mornings, and walk a little afterwards.

i feel like my body is healthy, but not skinny.

why aren't i happy with healthy?

at the beginning of the year, there was a conflict of messages in the stream of blogs that i read - one would say, "it's a new year and i'm finally going to lose this extra weight!" while another would proclaim, "let's just all accept ourselves and stop talking about weight completely!" i didn't feel drawn to either camp. i don't want to let go of all weight goals, but i don't want to be held hostage by those same goals. i am so sick of weighing how i feel about myself based on my weight! i am sick of my running negative internal dialogue when i have a "bad" day on the scales! if someone talked to kalei the way i sometimes talk to myself, i would be all over them in a heartbeat - in less than a heartbeat. why in the world would i want to raise her to talk to herself that way?!

this morning, i read this.

i will not worship this weight idol any more. the weaning process will be long and hard at times, but i look at my daughter and think that i owe it to her (and myself) to break this cycle.

she's worth it, and so am i.